I'm doing something new today. This is a message for EXO, including Kris. I hope the poem's okay :)

Kris by Cheryl

Starting as 6, I was happy.

We sang, we danced.

We screamed our joy, we cried our sorrows.

Always together.

Joining our counterparts as 12, I had doubts.

We promoted, we performed.

We had fans, we had stalkers.

We healed and we hurt.

All as 1.

Breaking up again to 6, I lost heart.

We earned, but not enough.

We were pressured, I broke.

They had hoped, but I had given up.

Now, we separate.

I am alone.

They are together.

But never again, as 1.

Fighting EXO! I saw your performances of Overdose, and I want to cry. All of this is sudden and your actions, your words are so forced. I strongly feel that it’s your company, but I will never really know. I can only support you guys as you are 11. I just don’t want a new member of EXO-M. No one can replace our utterly dorky and weird Kris. Please don’t replace him and try to get through this. I hope that you will still be able to communicate with each other and I hope that you will always be friends. I love you guys.

Kris, I hope whatever’s happening in your life is getting better. I hope that my letter to you guys got to you guys in time. I love you as much as I love every other member of EXO and I can only wish you the best in whatever happens in your future. You leaving will always make me sad when I think about it, but I’ll get through it if you will :). Fighting! Good luck in everything you do. I wish for your success.

So... today, I watched EXO's performance of Overdose. They were lip-synching... maybe that's why. They've also just lost their Chinese leader, Kris... maybe that's why. Well, I don't know why.
I don't know why the hell I can't feel towards them anymore. I used to be so excited, so happy, so incredibly pumped watching them. Now, I feel that they are machines, trained to perform.
I can't feel their energy, their passion, or anything towards their craft! I don't feel that they are excited or happy performing at all. I just feel sad and worried watching them. Are they okay? I don't know. I CAN'T KNOW. I can't find out.
Is it because my heart has moved on to some other group? Have I moved on? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know! I've never been good at reading "signals" or reading my own heart. I don't know what's happening.
They feel incredibly distanced from us. If I met them, I feel like their vision would go right through me, like they weren't actually looking at me. If I saw them in concert, which I've wanted to since forever, I feel like I wouldn't enjoy it because my worry would consume me. They feel so dispirited, not energetic, dispassionate, and sad. Just sad. I don't know what's happening. Are you guys okay? Please tell me. Are you? I can't feel you guys anymore. I can't feel anything towards you guys, towards the people on stage. I can't.
Please tell me how you guys are doing. Please. Have you guys read my letter? I love you guys.





To my readers (not that there are any, but...), sorry about this post. I just need to get this out there.
Finals/Regents are coming up, which means that summer vacation is coming, so I'll be posting more stories on here soon. Thank you for reading, if you do. Bye :).

Okay, so I just thought about writing this life story of mine because lately, my friends and I have been talking about what love feels like and past crushes and stuff.
So, pretty much every year from elementary school on, I've had a "crush" on some guy. But it was even a crush, it was just like "Oh, that guy is cute" and the next year, I would move on to some other guy. Honestly, there was only one guy who actually made it past that first year and I "liked" him for 2 years before I moved on.
Anyway, there were two guys in particular that I'm going to talk about today. The reason is that when I liked those guys, one of my friends (different friends in each situation) also liked him. We didn't hate each other for it or anything, but it was like that. The stupid thing is, for some reason, we both decided to confess together to that guy.
The first time it happened, I think we each just said something along the lines of "I like you, ________." After all of that, he ended up dating my friend.
The second time, we both went up to him during work time in class and listed good qualities in him and somewhere along the way, we confessed. Again, he ended up dating my friend.
So... basically, to sum up, in each of those "crushes", the friend that also liked him confessed with me and each and every time, he ended up with my friend.
What.
The.
Hell.
I mean, I didn't really care afterwards because I didn't even really like them that way, to be honest. I just thought I did at the time, I guess. Plus, the girl was my friend, so I couldn't really get mad at her. But seriously guys. What is so wrong with me? To be honest, I'd love for you guys just to tell me your first impression of me because it's like no guy can ever see me that way. In school, even during P.E, if some girl gets hurt, the teacher will always call out to her and asks her if she's okay, but if I get hurt, no one gives a fuck. It's like they think I'm a guy or something. Guess what? I'M A BLOODY GIRL, GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK HEADS ALREADY!! I'm sorry that I can't act more girly and cuter. I'm sorry that I can't take the time to really give a fuck towards what the hell I'm wearing. I'm sorry that I can't react the same way as a girl in public. I'm fucking sorry, but could you stop treating me as if I'm a guy? I'm NOT! I'm a girl, too, for God's sake. I really am. Why can't you guys see that?
Anyway, that's my little life story for today. Thanks for reading :).

By the way, I'm doing an I-search project right now and I need to interview either a K-pop idol and/or a person in the business that's involved in casting, training/trainees, and actual idol life and is very knowledgable about each of them. If you fit in one of these categories, will you comment below? Thank you!

Misunderstandings... Give that guy/girl a chance!

Okay, so I haven't posted in freaking forever because I literally have NO TIME AT AAAALLLLL!!
Seriously. I sleep like 2-6 (6 on a really, really good day) hours a day on weekdays and even on weekends, I can only sleep like 7 hours because I can't fall asleep fast enough and wake up too early. It freaking sucks. Why does this happen? School. Freaking school. I HATE YOU! But I like parts of you too... Anyway, this is something I just want to post for all those people who are having a misunderstanding between them (as in... *cough* boyfriends and girlfriends *cough*). I just want to say this to you right now. Let's go!

Why are people more likely to trust what they have seen rather than a person explaining what had really happened?

True, people do lie, they can perceive it differently than you, and/or other things, but you may have interpreted it in the wrong way as well. That’s why if something ever happens that causes a misunderstanding between two people that are obviously in love, they should just talk. I don’t really understand why they won’t. You have to trust for a second that the other person will tell the truth. You can put your guard up a little bit just in case they lie, but don’t just take what you saw as the only possible explanation. Hold on, it isn’t even “what you saw”, it’s “what you think you saw.” Why? Simply because it’s really just your interpretation of what happened, not the exact actions that occurred. Okay, so your girlfriend hugs someone else, so that automatically means that she’s cheating on you? NO!

Yes, it’s a possibility, but have you thought of the other possibilities? It could’ve been a brother or a cousin, it could’ve been a goodbye hug, it could have been just a friendly hug, it could have been so many different things. You have to remember those too and not just say that your very first impression/thought is true. It may not be.

So, you have to talk to them and truly figure out what’s going on. You have to take a step back from your “lover boy” perspective and take a look at her from an outsider’s perspective. You need to properly gauge her personality and choose to trust what she says or don’t trust what she says. It’s what you must do!

Please, please, please don’t just end it just because of that one thing. I will say this over and over again. YOU MAY BE WRONG! Yes, I know, it’s a big thing for you to understand. You may be thinking that “Oh, I could never be wrong. I’m me,” or some shit like that, but let me tell you something right now. You are human. Just like the rest of us. You can make mistakes. It’s natural. You can be wrong. And you better believe it. Don’t waste your breath and say that you will never and have never made a mistake because trust me, you have.

So before you start making rash decisions like breaking up with your girlfriend over something like this, please talk to her first. If you still feel that after your talk, it’s suspicious, then by all means, break up. If not, then think it over carefully before deciding whether or not you want to break up or not.

Also, give yourself breathing room from her to clear your thoughts and also release all the rage you may feel.

I’m just asking you to give your girlfriend (or boyfriend) a chance to explain things before anything huge like this happens, okay? That’s all I’m saying.

There's actually more I'd like to say, but I'll leave it at this for now because I can't remember. Anyway, until next time! Bye~

1st Kpop Concert Ever (B.A.P Live On Earth 2014: New York)

So, yesterday, I had one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had so far in my life. It was just crazily fun.
I went to a B.A.P concert.
Ahhhh! Ok, now calm the frick down.
The entire experience from ticket buying to just being there was crazy. I initially wasn't able to get tickets because apparently, they had a glitch that said that all the tickets were already sold out. When I found out that that was the reason, I cried. Wow, I know, get a damn hold on your emotions girl, but I couldn't. I thought about what if it was EXO? I would never forgive them. But luckily, sure enough, people were selling them on Facebook like the next day. And luckily enough for me, someone from my school was selling one, which I, of course, bought right away. Then, it was a bit of a waiting game to wait for the tickets to arrive to her and schedule a locker drop-off. That happened and I got my ticket. In the mezzanine section, of course.
Then, came the concert. (*dun dun*) The first minute I stepped out of the car to line up, I heard fans screaming. At that point I was like, "I'm scared." Then, I got on line. It was a short wait to get in and it was PACKED. Girls and boys were squeezed into the waiting room and the first thing I needed to do was pick up my merchandise.
So, I got on the line for that and waited for quite a while before it got to us, and for some reason, they couldn't find us. I was kinda impatient, but not more than my mom who chose to say something about the shipping name or something like that. I stayed silent because, I mean, they are under a lot of stress trying to find all of this information in time. We're obviously not helping by making comments, so I silenced my mom too. He eventually found it and gave me my album. I thanked him and walked away from the line a little bit. With trembling hands, I opened my album up to check for a hi-touch ticket and there it was. I was shocked and started to just say something. Anything really. Saying something like "Oh my god. I'm so happy. I'm usually so unlucky so I thought..." I picked it up and my hands were seriously shaky, but I put it into my bag for later.
Then, I went in. There were fangirl screams. Yup, chants to get them out on the stage. I didn't join along. I was too busy making an idiot of myself at my own damn seat! Gah! *hides face in hands* So embarrassing. (Way to miss the seat butt... Way to miss. *sigh*) Anyway, I got to know the girl next to me a little better. Her name was Fanny (I hope I spelled it right *crossing fingers*) and she was a 20 year old that looked a lot younger than she said she was. She was nice, answering my questions and telling me about her kpop concert stories. She was more reserved during the concert. Opting to stand quietly and watch the concert rather than scream song lyrics, wave hands, and sway to the music like I did. Yeah...
So, the concert starts. It is freaking LOUD. It was awesome, but god it was LOUD. The sound of the beginning combined with the screams of the girls and boys blew my eardrums. Then, they came out. Their first song was One Shot. One of my favorite songs by them EVER. I had one hell of a time throughout the concert and I won't go into too much detail about it. Fun, exciting, loud, flipping out, caring towards the fans are all things that I felt about it.
Then, the hi-touch. For those of you that don't know, a hi-touch event is when you get a chance to high-five each of the members, and its like a five-second thing, but such an experience. I was nervous during the wait to go into that room and I guess so were everyone else. The two girls in front and behind me were nice, keeping me in conversation and stopping me from going too ballistic. The girl behind me had some letters to give them and her bias was Zelo. All I can say to that is, I can see why :). As for the girl in front of me, she was hella thirsty (like for real guys, don't think weird things) and her bias was Yongguk. Well, I wanted to help them out a little bit.
For the letters girl, it didn't seem likely that they would be allowed to take letters from fans, but I told her that I didn't think there would be any harm in asking. She agreed.
For the water girl, as we were walking in, I noticed a table with water. I mentioned it to her, showing it to her, but I don't remember exactly what she said, but she didn't make a move to try and get one, so I asked the man that was kind of herding us into the room.
I asked him, "Excuse me, can I get some water?" while pointing to the water bottles on the table. He handed me one and the girl took it from his grip. (Mission 1 accomplished)
Then, we actually walked in and saw them. It was kinda amazing to see them all there in person, you know? I mean, most kpop fans can only see them on the internet, but here they were right in front of us 100 lucky winners. There were two people near the front giving instructions. I asked one of them if we could give them letters.
His answer wasn't really clear, but I think he may have said to give it to the girl at the end, but I thought he said no, so I said, "Aw..." as I got back on line.
The girl with the letter was in front of me now and she asked me, "Why? Did you have something to give them?"
I replied, "No, I was just asking for you."
On a side note, why are people so afraid to ask questions? The worst thing that can happen for something like this is that they say no. I highly doubt that they would actually kick you out because of it.
Then, my turn. I wasn't as star-struck as I thought I would be. My words didn't get stuck in my throat as I thought they were, but my Korean ability completely shut off.
The first one was Zelo. My first reaction (and I said it out loud), "You are a lot taller than I thought be." They can't understand English that well, so I doubt they knew what I said, but I high-fived Zelo and told him, "Thank you." I said that to everyone of them and they said thank you as well. Meaning, 'Thank you for your support.'
To be honest, I don't feel like they had to do that. I know you are thankful. I feel your thanks. I should be thanking you for such a phenomenal 1st Kpop concert experience.
About high-fiving them though, it's like they only see you in those five seconds. They all seemed like really nice people and they didn't seem tired even though they most definitely were. I respect them for that kind of discipline, however, if you are tired, just say you're tired. We won't hate you for it! They looked right in your eyes, smiled, and told you thank you. I think I did the same back, but I keep feeling like I didn't smile and was more just staring. I don't know anymore.
I didn't get a chance to say hwaiting to them, but next time I hope. I also (along with many other people, probably) hope they remember me. I'm not a memorable person to be honest and I didn't do anything special to deserve their remembrance, still, I can hope, right? :) Then, it was over. I walked out of the room and went home.
Thank you guys for making my 1st Kpop concert experience awesome. I'll look over you guys more now and I'll try to send you a piece of mail (Yes, in English. I'm sorry, but I don't know Korean yet.) to tell you how thankful I am. Please keep it near you always :). Well, until next time.

So I haven't written in a while. Sorry. I'm too tired, I have no time, I hate school.
I used to actually like school. I actually used to wonder why people didn't like it. Well, guess what? Now I know.
Last week or so I failed my first test. As in I only answered 3 questions out of 10 because I was practically sleeping with my eyes open. That entire week I had been sleeping at 4AM and waking up at 6:30AM to go to school. When it came time to the test, I stared at the front page doing I have no idea what for a full 30 min. Mmmhmm, 30 min. staring at the front page for no reason at all. I was thinking about something and like I said previously, sleeping with my eyes open. I couldn't think at all.
Every single fucking weekend, I cry my eyes out multiple times because I have no time to finish anything and of course I'm sleeping at like 4, 5 AM just to finish all the work only to wake up at 6:30AM the "next" day. I'm so sick of this shit.
I mean, is all this stress really worth schooling? If it is, well, it's still not good for anyone. So why the fuck will the school NOT CHANGE??!!!
I don't understand why everyone seems to think that we have more time during the weekends to finish our homework or why they think we have so much time on the weekdays. Guess what? I DON'T!
Half the weekend time is me sleeping because I'm only getting 1-4 (on a GOOD day) hours of sleep a day during the week. Also, I don't want to FUCKING do MORE homework. Who the FUCK does? I've been slaving away the whole week and there's nothing I want more than some relaxation, but of course not. No, instead I have to work EVEN MORE. Yes, that makes damn sense. I'm dying. I'm dead. School killed me. Thanks.

Look, I know I haven't written a post in forever and I'm sorry, but right now, let's talk, okay?
So, most recently, I had my finals and WOOOHOOOOO!!!! They are freaking over *dancing like a madman and singing crazily off-key*. For this semester anyway *awwww*. And I guess I felt like talking again.
Well, first, since it's a topic I usually talk about, I guess I should start with this. Why the hell do I start whining like a little bitch to this guy, huh? I don't get it. Recently, I've been seriously weird. Whining, acting "cute", whatever the fuck I pretty much hate and don't stand for. And it's mostly to that one guy. No, I don't think I like him. Why? I don't feel weird when talking to him anymore... well, unless it gets dragged out... but besides that, um, not really. There was also this weird weird day when I decided to do something really weird. I know, three weirds. It's that bad. I guess I should start with a time before that, though. I'm not sure if I wrote it already, but whatever. Here's a refresher I guess.
So, there was this one day when we had history and after class was over, he side-hugged me and I kinda pushed him lightly away and broke away. There weren't any words exchanged and it was the day before break, so... yeah. That's the thing before this thing.
So now, what happened more recently, but not that recently. Okay, so near the end of class (we had a sub), he sort of told me to hug him. He said his friends told him to or some shit and I was like *looking at him confusedly/weirdly* "no...?" So, he walked up to me and hugged me and the entire time I was kinda just sitting and not moving. Then, when class ended, he stole my jacket and wouldn't give it back. Here's where the weird stuff started... I started to... whine and kinda complain to him to give me my jacket back and he wouldn't. Then, I believe I put my hand on his head like I was about to pat his head or something and I eventually grabbed my jacket. So, at this point, I had my jacket, so I left right? WRONG. SOOOOOOO WRONG. For whatever reason my mind came up with at the time, I opened my arms up, inviting him to hug me kinda thing and we hugged. We broke away and I left. Ummm.... I don't know what's happened to me and I kinda had a brain meltdown afterwards as to why the fuck I did that, but yeah. Soooo... guy story of the day *thumbs up* yay :).

Moving on, I want to talk a bit about Valentine's Day. Soo... Valentine's Day. Hmmm... what to say really. I guess I should start with the fact that before probably this year, I've always considered Valentine's Day to be pointless and stupid (except for during elementary school. I mean, I loved the free candy and stuff, so ;P) mostly because nothing ever happened on that day for me. You know, no chocolate exchanged or anything and like no guy with me anyway, so I was like "This is stupid" every year, but it didn't bother me that much that I didn't have anything that day. I just felt kinda idk... left out? Or something like that. My friends typically had boyfriends except for a few of them and it just felt weird. But, this year, the girls in my Japanese class is basically required to give chocolates to a guy they feel okay with in the class and come White Day (March 14th), the guys will give something back to the girls. Now, me, personally, I don't have anyone in particular to give anything to, so I decided to just give everyone something. No, I don't expect everyone to give me anything back, but I hope that a few will on White Day. Anyway, this whole thing makes the day more exciting and fun and although it was messy, I made one batch of truffles this weekend and I plan on making the brownies that'll go with the piece of chocolate next weekend or the day before. Anyway, I hope your Valentine's Day will go well and I'm going to end this post here. Bye~